Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH