I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
How wrong was this guy?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.