Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
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[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Lmao
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.