Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
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I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
the three branches of government
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
#Caturday
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!