Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
You Might Also Like
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?