There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Simple enough.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?