The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Thoughts
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.