Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
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Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.