God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
You Might Also Like
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point