mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
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I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
“I wouldn’t.”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.