I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.