Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
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“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Britain be like
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.