I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
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The options really are this bad
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*