I love wikipedia
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*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Knock Knock
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*