Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
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[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
how to have fun when you’re poor
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.