I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently