I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
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They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this