Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.