Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
You Might Also Like
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”