i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
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Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.