People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
The Joker was right
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂