I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
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This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
#damn
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth