Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
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Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.