4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
our love story in four pictures
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family