This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
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[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
☠️☠️☠️
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup