Me trying to walk in a dream
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Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.