I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
You Might Also Like
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm