[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Just so funny
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
ouch
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.