[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
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Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
When I grow up, I want to be 16
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.