Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
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Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
me linking you to my twitter
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich