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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?