If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.