saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
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Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
another case of gang violins
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
got so much cardio in today
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts