texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
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I’ve been learning to cook.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Bill is short for Billiam
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
What a year we’ve had this week.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?