(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
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damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed