Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
This is always good for a laugh.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.