A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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What about second breakfast?
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt