Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.