ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.