FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
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In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Webb. James Webb.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
had to make it
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?