My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
You Might Also Like
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Name another movie that mislead you?
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)