Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.