*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
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I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
TRAIN’S HERE
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale