If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
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Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
can’t bark with your mouth full
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo