Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
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[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I want this so bad
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
This hospital has everything
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”