Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
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Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.