When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.