*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
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*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Basketball
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.