My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
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Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
January has been Januweary
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.