imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
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*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
“I took care of your clown problem.”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.